If I Were the New Grand Poobah

Life usually doesn’t fit into nice neat little lists, but that doesn’t keep me from trying.


Like you I am sick of politics. So, I promise that this is my absolute last blog about politics for a long time. At least until my next one. This is a list of ten policies I would implement if I were the Grand Poobah.

1. Pedantry and Reality TV would be crimes punishable by death.

2. All professional sports would be permabanned, with a one time concession that NASCAR, golf, and bowling are actually sports.

3. FedEx, UPS, and other similar shipping companies would be forced to hire drivers from the pool of suddenly unemployed NASCAR drivers, who would only be allowed to make right turns.

4. I would reestablish space exploration by sealing Lady Gaga in a time capsule and launching her into space, towards the Sun.

5. My national bird would be Woodstock from the Peanuts.

6. Chemical warfare would mean dropping dirty diapers via drone.

7. Tony Stark, I mean Robert Downey Jr., would be Secretary of Defense…and Chris Evans would have to legally change his name to Steve Rogers.

8. George Lucas must go door-to-door to every American home apologizing for Jar Jar Binks.

9. There would be no such thing as money, or dubstep.

10. I would start this thing called The Hunger Games, where once a year 24 political commentators fought to the death with whiffle bats and sock puppets.

11. No Christmas music before Thanksgiving, no exceptions.


One thought on “If I Were the New Grand Poobah

  1. We are U40 members. I think your top priorities and pet peeves are hilarious! I love your Mario and Luigi costumes. We share your love for the Mario family of characters.

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